modelcatizen: (kid whose lost his way)
[He sounds tired, distant.] I had to go back months to find a post with your device. I was tempted to use your phone number, but I'm honestly not sure the one in my phone doesn't just go to Nathalie's voice mail. Its hard to tell when you never answer.

You'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm not. I'm wondering if you even know that you can get direct messages? Will you hear this at all? Are you even here? I'm wondering if that's the case. What if the moment you sent Kirika to take me, you fell back asleep? I suppose that wouldn't be so bad. Marinette was gone months, but she's back now! It's actually really nice to see her. So many people were overjoyed.

Though what if you never woke up? It'd just be a future where I'd go back, see us going through the same motions. Me too afraid to change anything. You still having so much room for excuses. Just watching a show for all eternity where I know the ending will never be good.

What if a chaos beast got into the house before the metal came down? What if I go back to look and you're just gone completely?

Why are things in such a way that the best option is you've been taken by Papillon again? You're useless to Endos, but Papillon is crazy enough to think trying something twice will work.

It's like her all over again.

It's been so long. Her face was everywhere. It's not like people wouldn't have recognized her. For someone to keep her alive and not even ask for ransom? All the options are terrible. She's strong, but those sort of's not something people just recover from.

I hate this. I hate this so much. Why is it when I have to hope for things, they're horrible things? I wish I was still a kid. Where I could think if I was good enough, then everything would be better. Mom would convince you to take a break and we'd do things as a family and we'd tell terrible jokes and you'd smile.

I can't remember when you last had a real smile on your face. Not those fake ones you give to charm people. I've seen through those for years now. I'm actually really good at seeing through fake smiles. Really good at giving them. When did I become a liar? When did I get to good at fooling people that I don't even need to think about it most days? Just put on a show, no reason to let anyone else know what's going on in your head, because in the end, it won't change anything. Be good, be good, and things won't get worse.

[There's a long silence. Maybe like he's finished and hadn't hung up yet.]

I want to hate you. [Softly.] There are so many days I just...want to hate you. I want to be bitter and angry and burn whatever remains between us to the ground. Tear my life apart and build it from the ground up. I think I could do it. It'd be hard. But I know how to charm. I know how to get people to trust me, and do what I want. It's the funniest thing, most of the time I feel worthless, but I know how incredibly charismatic I can be. Then again, I can't figure out who I am most of the time. It's probably easy to be charming when you're a blank slate. People can just project what they want onto me.

Maybe that's why my anger always vanishes so easily. There's not enough substance for it to feed off of. It's weird. I hate Papillon. I hate him a lot, and that's so new. How do people deal with those kind of feelings? That dark, burning feeling that fills me everytime I think about him, because he tried to take you away from me. Chat thinks maybe he's lost someone, and he's trying to get them back. All I can think is how could he do it then? How could he try to put someone else through that hurt? [His voice is getting heated now.] How can he justify it to himself that it's all right to take a child's father away? How can he just laugh when I tried to offer myself up for you? How can anyone decide the only way to deal with pain is to give that same pain to others? I can't even feel pity for him because he tried to take you away from me.

I hate him. I wish I could hate you, but I do hate him, and that's why I can't hate you.

[And his voice breaks, cracks as the heat disappears.]

I love you. I can still remember how things were. You were always a workaholic, and far too harsh, but you tried. You would relax. You would smile. You would be there. You'd laugh with mom and me. You'd make time. You'd show that you were proud. It was hard to connect, but we COULD connect. Even times when she wasn't there, we could. I used to love modeling because it was a time we could connect. I'd love playing songs for you. I'd love showing you my awards in competitions, or talking to you in Chinese.

I used to be happy to be around you without any worries. Now there's this undercurrent of fear that I'm going to ruin things. That I'm going to make this rift bigger and now I feel I have to because I'm terrified what's going to happen to me if I don't change. That I'm going to vanish in a haze of nothingness, just a doll.

But I always come back to you. Because I know you're hurting. I know you're destroying yourself. I know you're going to push yourself until you shatter because I'm your son, and I know where I get it from. [And there's tears in his voice and he's talking fast.] And I don't know what to do. The only reason I haven't shattered is because of the people I let in, but you won't. You won't let anyone in, you won't let anyone help. I have to find out from an empath for any sort of certainty that you care, and it just confirms my every fear.

That I'm going to lose you. You're going to break so badly that you won't be able to put yourself together again and I'm going to lose you. I'm going to lose both my parents before I'm even eighteen, and I'm going to put on smiles and reassurances and say I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine and I won't be able to stop because that's all I know how to do. All I can do is hope my friends will stop me because I will just push, push, push until I shatter.

Why can't I connect to you anymore? [There's a sob now.]

Why can't I break through this wall?

Why can't I fix us?

Why won't you let me help you?

Please, dad.

Come back.

Don't leave me too.
modelcatizen: (Default)
As of September, Adrien now has TWO NETWORK DEVICES. One reads as belonging to Adrien, and the other Chat Noir.

Please specify WHOSE DEVICE YOU ARE CONTACTING just because Adrien may do some juggling and squirreling devices away depending on what's going on.
modelcatizen: (oh shit oh shit oh shit)
[For once, Adrien had been a good son and not snuck out of his house. Mostly because he didn't want to go out in this costume. Which wasn't good for a lot of reasons. Not helped by how uncomfortable the full head mask thing was. Honestly, he's barely left his room.]

[But he needed more than cheese and had snuck out of his room to head to the kitchen. With his phone because he knows if he's not constantly aware of it, he's going to come in with it on and no. Unfortunately, that's where the video starts when he bumps into someone, and drops the phone, and of course it's filming from the floor.]

Ah, sorry-
modelcatizen: (Default)
Personal Information
Name: Sair
Age: 25
Personal Journal: Cye_nako
Email / AIM / MSN / Plurk: Plurk: Alwaysterrible
Current Character(s): N/A

Character Information
Character Name: Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir
Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug
Read more... )


modelcatizen: (Default)
Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir

July 2017

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